Is there something wrong with me?

So, life has been going pretty darn good lately. The show went really well and on opening night, the choreographer pulled me aside to tell me what a great job she thought I did and to tell me that she is doing another show and she thought I should audition for it. So, I'm currently in rehearsals again and having a great time. I even feel pretty good about the fact that I'll be on stage in this one wearing something along the lines of a belly dancer outfit. But, I've lost about 20 pounds since the beginning of the year and I've been hitting the gym and working on toning up a little more, so I'm feeling pretty good about showing it off on stage. The hair is also looking good, which has been nice.

And then things came kind crashing down- psychologically speaking. I had gone out for a drink and then dinner with a guy I met on match.com just as I started rehearsing for the first show I did this summer. He was a very nice guy and conversation was fine. But, I just didn't feel that "spark" with him. He didn't really make me laugh a lot and I just got the feeling that life with him would be dull. I was kind of open to taking it a little further to see if there was anything there, but I was so stinking busy, so when I had to tell him that I really didn't have time the following weekend to get together, he texted back that I should let him know when I had time and that if I wasn't really interested in getting together again that he enjoyed meeting me. He was actually pretty nice about it, but I just didn't feel anything still.

I took a little break from the match thing too much while I was still doing the show, but some time in July I got a message from someone else on there that seemed like there could be something there. We messaged back and forth a couple of times, and this past week, we finally met for drinks. Again, he was a really nice guy. He has a good job, owns his own house, and seemed like someone who would treat me really well, but again, nothing. No "spark" and no real laughter. This time though, he texted me about getting together for brunch this weekend and I texted him back that I thought he was very nice, but that I didn't feel a "spark" and that I felt it was better to end things now than to drag this on. He, however, wasn't as nice about it and texted back first asking me what I was looking for (I would love to know, myself) and then he texted me something about "heaven help the men out there". Well, thanks, just because you aren't the right one for me doesn't make me some sort of maneater- I guess I figured that it was better to end this before any feelings developed on his part, knowing that I wasn't feeling it.

The problem isn't that I don't feel a "spark" with anyone, its that I don't feel a "spark" with the right guys. That's two nice guys that I've met on match and nothing, however, back this winter, I went out with my brother and some of his friends for his birthday. We had a bit to drink and towards the end of the evening, walking my brother back to his place, his really good friend held my hand. At first I thought he was just being nice since it was icy outside and I was in heels. But he held my hand all the way back to my brother's place and when we got inside, my brother went upstairs and his friend kissed me. It was brief, since my brother came back down, but stupid me, the next day thought that maybe that had meant something. This was the one friend of his that I have always thought was cute and fun. But, the next time I ran into him, he couldn't spit it out fast enough that he was really drunk the night of my brother's birthday, which pretty much says to me that he chalks that all up to drinking too much.

Then came this summer and the show I was in. The guy who got cast opposite me was really great. We got along really well and became really good friends. He works a night job and we had quite a few long text conversations after rehearsals. And once the show ended, we continued our friendship. We did actually kind of admit that there was an attraction there, but there are two major problems with that. First, he's significantly younger than me, I mean, not like illegal younger, but still way younger. Second, and way more of a problem is that he has a girlfriend who while he's attracted to me, he is completely in love with his girlfriend. So, yeah, while we're still trying to be friends, that relationship is never going past friendship.

This brings me to my issue. Why can't I feel something for these nice guys and yet I am attracted to the unavailable guys? What is my problem? While the easiest question is to ask if there is something wrong with me, I don't really think there is. I just still can't quite figure out what I want. I thought I knew, but I also wound up not listing anything as an absolute "must-have" in my match.com profile. I don't know why- I guess it goes along with my desire for people to like me and to not offend anyone. I didn't want anyone to think I was a horrible person for saying that being overweight is not acceptable to me. (although with that one, it's amazing what some guys think "about average" means)

So, in my recent soul-searching I've been reevaluating some things. First, I'm not going to rely too much on this new friendship. I found that I became very dependent on our conversations and that's not good. I shouldn't be relying on someone who won't always be there for me. Second, I'm going to change up my profile. I'm going to list that I absolutely don't want someone who is overweight, or over 40, or who doesn't believe in God. I also am going to state that I want someone who can both enjoy and support my love of theater and music but who also makes Packers games a priority. (This last guy actually said that while he likes the Packers, he sometimes chooses to do his grocery shopping during game time, since its not crowded- that would never survive with me or my family.) I want someone who while he may be settled in a career, he can be spontaneous and random. Finally, I am going to continue my inner evaluation. I think I may start meditating and I've been reading the book "Eat Pray Love" which so far as phenomenal. While I don't have the time or money to do what she did, I think I can pick up a few things from her. What I do know for sure is this: I will not settle for anything less than the absolutely perfect man for me. I refuse to put myself in a position like Elizabeth Gilbert, where I wind up crying on the bathroom floor because I don't want to be married. As much as being single sucks- and quite a bit more these days than it used to- I would rather be single forever than settle with the wrong person. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Sex and the City, "Some people are settling, some are settling down and some won't settle for anything less than butterflies." Well, I want butterflies and I'm going to just keep plugging along until I find them.

Just feels right...

So, my last post was a pretty big downer. I'm still dealing with the hair loss and keeping my fingers crossed that the Rogaine will work.

On a much happier note, at the end of May I auditioned for a musical through one of the area community theater companies. I've done a number of shows over the last 10 years through my church and another church in the area, but I've never auditioned for community theater. I was pretty nervous going into the auditions, and even more so when I got called back. But, the day after call-backs, I got a call from the director letting me know that they were offering me the female lead in the show! Needless to say, I was very excited!!!

The last month has pretty much consisted of rehearsals almost every weeknight, but I don't mind. I love doing this. While I'm nervous about how I'm doing and hoping that I can keep up with the people in the show who are getting degrees in theater, I feel very at home up there. It's kind of tough to describe, but it just feels right. I know I've been giving up a lot of other things so far this summer to do this, but I can't imagine myself being anywhere else.

Sometimes life just sucks...

So, I have been having a fairly emotional few weeks which culminated this morning in a trip to the doctor where I have been diagnosed with female pattern hair loss. It royally sucks to be on Rogaine at 32. Thanks mom and dad for another set of fabulous genes.

A few months ago, my mom commented that I must not have taken enough time when I put my hair up, because I had bald patch where the bobby pin was. I kind of just figured that I must have rushed that night. But, over the next few weeks, I noticed that I had to take longer to style my hair so I didn't have any open patches. Then just a couple of weeks ago, I started to notice that when I left my hair down, the way it naturally lays, you can tell there are thin areas. After a few emotional meltdowns, I finally called and got an appointment to see a dermatologist. Thankfully, she said that with most women the Rogaine really works. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Good Deal

So, in the last six months or so, I've really gotten into eating Greek yogurt. Partially because it helps me get a little more protein in my diet- I don't eat a ton of meat when it's just me at home, so any extra protein that I can get is great building muscle mass, which will help burn more calories. Anyway, my love of Greek yogurt is dampened by the fact that it's much more expensive than regular yogurt. So, imagine my excitement when I went grocery shopping last night after work and discovered that both Dannon and Yoplait have now come out with Greek yogurt. Granted, these are still a little more expensive than regular, but not as bad. Especially when like last night, I caught a sale. A nice man was stocking the shelves and mentioned that the Yoplait version was on sale for $.79 each. I guess the store got in a whole pallet of it that was a little over a week from its expiration date. Not a big deal for me, since I like to eat it every day, so I picked up a bunch of them. I tried it out today at lunch and it tasted great! Yeah for cheaper Greek yogurt!!

New Toy!

I hit the big 3-2 recently, but I'm still celebrating- I figure I get the whole month of April. Partially this year because my birthday fell on Holy Saturday which meant that a good portion of my actual birthday was spent at church. I went out with a couple of friends for dinner on Friday night and then two of us went for pedicures and then out for a little wine- well, I had a little wine and she watched (she's pregnant). Saturday I met my parents for brunch- where I got carded- so the celebration continued:) And of course, the best part about being on Facebook is that you get tons of birthday messages from friends and family- and those people who are just your "facebook friends". On Sunday, I celebrated with the whole family- Easter dinner was specially made to be completely gluten-free including gluten-free birthday cake!

And then of course, I got my gifts. My parents gave me a Barnes and Noble Nook!!! And under my mom's suggestion my brother got me a Barnes and Noble gift card so I could buy a few books to read on my new Nook. I LOVE my Nook!!! I love having a book with me to read any time and it gets difficult with the size of some of the books that I read because they don't fit in my purse very well. This is the perfect size to go in the purse at all times. Plus, I always have another book waiting for me to read it when I finish the one I'm currently reading. And to top it all off, they have all of the Google ebooks available for free so I have been able to download a whole bunch of the classics that I have on my list of books that I want to read. So, now for free I am almost finished with Northanger Abbey which will complete my journey through the Jane Austen novels. This has got to be the best birthday gift I have gotten in years!!!

Nothing to do with Basketball

So, back in November, I was looking for some sort of part-time job that would make me even a few bucks more a month. It didn't have to be a lot of money, but a little bit more would really help. My mom mentioned in passing one day that one of her coworkers worked on the Buck's promo crew, meaning, they hand out the freebies at the entrance for several of the games each year. It doesn't pay a ton, but it's a little bit and it helps, so I managed to get a job with them. At first, it seemed great that I would get paid, plus get free parking, and I would get a ticket to go to each game that I work. I used my free ticket for the first game or so that I worked, but eventually I realized that my brother works at the bar across the street from where the games take place. I started going over there when I was done working instead of going to the games. I certainly don't need to have a couple of drinks each time I work, and I do like watching the Bucks games, but I have started making a habit of skipping on the free game ticket and going over to see my brother each time I work. He is so busy, that it is difficult to find time to spend with him. So, over the past few years as much as I would like to get to know him more, I haven't had the chance. I kind of see this opportunity as my chance to get to know him. It's really been a great experience the last couple of months. I know once in awhile he and his coworkers must wonder why I skip on a free game ticket and head over to the bar, but it is just so nice to get to spend some time with him. So, I guess my take away from this is that, as much as I love sports, it is just way more important to me to get to spend time with my brother and I am so grateful to have gotten this job not for the extra money or anything like that, but for the chance to spend more time with him.

Trader Joe's

I can not say enough good things about this store! In the past, I had gone down to Illinois to pick up some Two Buck Chuck and a few other items, but I didn't pay much attention to their food selection. Then, a couple of years ago, we finally got a Trader Joe's in Milwaukee. But, it's on the north side of town and I don't get up there all that often, either. When I went gluten-free, I was trying to taste a lot of different foods that were out there, to get an idea of what I liked. One of my coworkers suggested I check out Trader Joe's and I went on their website to see if they commented on a gluten-free selection. Not only did they comment on it, but they have a 7 page list of everything in their store that is gluten-free.

So, I made a trip up to the store to check out the products. See, while they had a lot of options for me, I was concerned a what they would cost. Gluten-free items at a regular grocery store seem to be obscenely priced, so I wasn't getting my hopes up until I saw some prices. I was very excited when I got there and found things reasonable as well. I was able to get a large bag of rotini-shaped rice pasta for a couple of bucks. Then I saw the holy grail- Gluten-free Mac N Cheese. It looks just like the Kraft- powder cheese and everything, but with rice pasta. Again only a couple of bucks for a box, so pretty good. I did make a couple of adjustments from the instructions- they don't call for any butter, but I added a little margarine, and I tossed on a little of the cheese powder that you can use on popcorn- with my tweaks, I would definitely say it is a rival to the Kraft, and I would know because I used to consider myself a connoisseur of macaroni and cheese. Anyway, I am a huge fan of Trader Joe's now. I'm taking a trip up there this weekend again to stock up on stuff, can't wait!